From Trauma to Transformation
Brittany Marie, 35, Female, United States
Trauma as the Gateway
Soon after high school, the calling to pursue a career as a psychotherapist became clear and there was a certainty that I was meant to be of service to others. I worked as a psychotherapist and specialized in trauma.
In 2015, a series of family traumas, family deaths, and the emergence of suppressed childhood trauma occurred that led to being on the other side of trauma and working to overcome post- traumatic stress. It was the second most painful point in my life aside from tragically losing two close family members in a car accident at a younger age. During this time, the ego was trying to hold on for dear life to what was, to what it knew, and how it knew itself regardless of how self-destructive and toxic this was to the self.
The Dark Night of the Soul
That time in my life marked the first Dark Night of the Soul and the experience of existential crisis. The egoic mind was reeling with confusion, doubt, separation, pain, and misery. However, little did I know, this pain was going to be the catalyst that welcomed a profound shift within awareness and a spiritual awakening would sweep in with intensity yet also a gentle grace. Before that could happen though, I hit a point of losing the will to live and at this time it felt as if leaving this world was the only way to be alleviated from this pain.
However, this loss of will led to a quiet space of deep surrender. The pain was so great that the ego was finally no longer willing to hold on to what it knew out of familiarity, that was going to be at the cost of itself. I began praying intensely, calling out for God to help me, to have mercy on me and show me the truth of life and what was causing this suffering and to be alleviated from it.
The Awakening
Suddenly, it felt like time stood still, there were no more thoughts or emotions and in its place was pure presence, peace, bliss, silence...God. I went to lay down on our hammock in the backyard and was watching this hawk swoop back and forth across a pillowy cloud backdrop and started witnessing many truths of the Universe pouring into awareness and it could be remembered the empty nature of thoughts and emotions, the illusion of separation from Divinity, the illusions of death, and the source of suffering being the thinking mind and how through silence one will find the Truth again... one's Self, Peace, and Union with the Divine. This bliss state lasted for a couple of weeks and I began using words like enlightenment, spiritual awakening, the evolution of consciousness, conscious expansion, etc. which were never a part of my vocabulary before.
I wanted to tell everyone what was felt, known, and perceived on a level that cannot be explained so they could remember too and be alleviated from the suffering of the mind. In my naivete at the time, I did not realize awakening does not work by word of mouth, unfortunately. After a couple of weeks of this peaceful presence, human perception arose again and took the place of this enlightened state of perception and challenges returned, although there was a new level of understanding of the greater meaning of what pain is and how it can be used as a fuel to seek for Spirit.
In the fire of pain and awakening, the spirit was found, and the mind and body would be forever changed; from this, a new Will, Intent, and Devotion to relentlessly seek for Healing, Self-realization, the Truth, and God Union came over me. The quest for enlightenment and the hopes of helping others find the same meaning, purpose, and peace felt, was life's new purpose. My framework of understanding life and the human experience shifted from a psychology framework to a spiritual understanding of the bigger picture of this evolutionary life experience.
Kundalini Emergence
A few years later, I learned of Kundalini Awakening from a blog article I received via email. I know now that it was a synchronicity for what was to come because little did I know, this would be the next spiritual experience that I would be prepared for and undergoing within the next few months. I started having vivid lucid dreams of my life being threatened by apex predators and the stress and fear was so visceral, however, part way through, I began hearing an inner voice reminding me to surrender, let go, and pray for Divine intervention. I would do just that and my body and mind would unlock from the fear and there would be a gentle grace and energy running through the body as it relaxed, and I remembered I am divinely guided and supported.
During this time, I also started having intense hot flashes, a range of health challenges, vibrating sensations running throughout the body, heightened empathy, and seeing auras and symbols appear. I thought I was going crazy and feared I was having a medical crisis, so I made sure everything was medically sound through physicals and a mental health assessment. Once I received validation that I was of sound mind and my health was as balanced as it could be while working to heal and address physical health problems, I felt more assured this was a part of the spiritual unfolding. Unfortunately, because there is a lack of recognition or awareness of spiritual occurrences and undalini emergence within the healthcare profession, viewing these symptoms from a psychopathology framework would have likely resulted in a psychosis NOS disorder but thankfully I was led to learn about kundalini awakening to know I was not going insane or making this up.
One night, I awoke in a sleep paralysis and could not move. I looked at the end of our bed and saw this dark figure of energy moving and shifting forms, then I felt the presence of this energy right next to me over my shoulder. It felt like it was speaking to me telepathically encouraging me to go back to sleep and choose ignorance over awareness and if I do this and stop my pursuit for spiritual realization, this energy form or entity will make all the pain go away. This energy felt dark and negative, and I felt helpless to move or awaken my husband for help, then there was the inner voice again, reminding me to surrender and ask for Divine intervention. Suddenly I remembered the power of prayer and the ability to ask for aid and I began praying to God for protection and help.
The body unlocked and the dark energy was gone and there was an explosion of heat, light, and energy running up my spine into my head. I could see the light exploding into different colors within my third eye. Then I felt a sense of cold chunks of water spouting out from my head that was going down my body to cool the nervous system down. I enjoyed this light show and energy experience of the body until I drifted off to sleep. When I awoke, there was strong arousal and stimulation in the root chakra. New skills, insights, and abilities began to present along with increasing synchronicities, intuition, and spiritual understanding. I yearned to be one with the Divine more than ever and continued healing work and pursuits of self-realization until one day, it hit the ego that if this is all an illusion, then “I” (the small- self identified as Brittany) is also an illusion. This realization did not bring with it peace like other realizations had. I struggled for several months with a felt sense of existential crisis, nihilism, and apathy because the persona that was so heavily identified with was also just an illusion and to the ego this felt like death, meaninglessness, and depression.
Several months later, the next realization occurred where awareness was aware that it was aware, which sounds unusual but that is the only way I know how to describe that experience. This brought about deep peace for an extended period and then one weekend after leaving yoga teacher training and discussing the Bhagavad Gita, I was sitting at a stop light when the most profound sense of oneness and unity took over the senses. In that moment, it was realized and now felt that all is one, all is divine, all is God. Shame, guilt, or fear seemed laughable as nothing could be on the outside of God or unworthy of this Divine Oneness that is all of life. The sweetness of this realization lasted for a couple of weeks.
With all that said, these moments of self-realization do not eliminate suffering, the need to heal from our past, old conditioning, and even from past lives. These awakenings require us to do our shadow work, and lots of it, to know the self, accept, love, and forgive the self, and seek to realize one's own Divine Nature and the interconnectedness of all life. Awakening is just the beginning and much of the spiritual experiences are not these mind-blowing moments but the small moments of presence, realization, and acceptance. To all who are seeking the truth, healing, and enlightenment, thank you for your work within consciousness and helping the collective move towards Unity, Healing, and Love.