My Kundalini: My Mother

Larin, 49, Female, Slovenia

Yes, a new birth. A new birth out of darkness. Birth and eternal suffering, the bottom, the stench, the rot, the blackness, the catastrophe, the pain.

Birth into light, sunshine, joy, longing, revelation, love, into God. Gratitude, humility, thanksgiving. Joy. Joy for oneself, for life, for breath, for light. Pure blessing.

What Kundalini awakening is, I will not write in this place, because much is written and spoken about it. Well, I, although I do a lot of research and reading, did not know about it until a recent event which, for me, meant coming full circle. An endlessness and a confirmation of everything I have experienced in my 49 years. A clarification of WHY, WHO, WHAT, and WHERE.

The Past

A childhood full of suffering, fear and psychological abuse and violence, both psychological and physical. Full of pathologically narcissistic attitudes. My childhood was only in the number of my years, I practically had to grow up as a little girl. There was no childhood for me. The same as youth, except for moments of escapism to friends, adolescent silliness and exploration. First true love, which ended in disaster. The first suicide in my life. I will never forget it and I still believe that a large part of his soul was my "destiny". Nasty, very...indescribable emptiness.

Struggling through life, apparent successes by the standards of society and surroundings, never adjusted, always different, strange, uncomfortable and therefore "problematic". In my head, thoughts fly...why...how...justice...truth, non-acknowledgement of feelings, non-acknowledgement of me...loneliness. Judgment. They don't understand me. I don't understand them either. No one resists or thinks..why am I different? I have always wondered why I don't think like those around me? It would be easier for me…

But it wasn't like that...the fire, the fear in my bones, programmed from a young age. Archetype: Warrior.

But it was never good enough, especially for those who were expected to support me. No. Constant comparison, judgment. Alone and alone.

Always some financial problem. As a student, I work like an animal, 3 jobs, from morning till 24 at night to support myself. Tired already at 25. I'm sick of depression. I treat myself until I realize it's a mistake. I take a break and realize that I can sort it out myself. I have somehow managed to cope with the situation, at least apparently, through sport.

I escape. I meet my future husband. It's a conformist bond. Karmic bond. That's it. First child, conception difficult, with help. Even buying a house, a disaster, paperwork messy. Our naivety used up. We were in our early 30s. Struggling again.

I've been quite successful career-wise, I'm also enrolling in post-graduate studies...creating, and working in more responsible jobs, slowly becoming an entrepreneur, hard to work in structured systems, I'm not flexible. Too principled. No friendship at work for me, only strict professionalism. I work like a robot, IUS. Focused, goal-oriented, outstanding results. No compromises, anywhere. I give 200% of myself. Whoever works under me must give at least 160%! I can't find myself. I am not happy at all. Success means nothing to me. I still don't get any recognition, from anyone.

I am trying to get pregnant again after 2 years since the birth of my second child. It's no use. By a great coincidence I meet a "prana healer". My friend measures my biofield. Explosion. Result: alien. What? That's when it dawned on me... that people are turning to me, they feel refuge. I always find a solution. What does that mean? I get the invitation that I have to continue with spirituality and build myself and my inner strength. That was 10 years ago.

The First Breakthrough

I conscientiously learn pranic techniques. I get to know myself. I start to change. I am slowly becoming ME. I work very intensively, I devoted 2 years just to this and during that time I got fired in a nasty way. Now it is clear to me that this was planned, in God's name. I am building myself up, I meditate diligently every day for several hours.

The people around me judge me, they think I am crazy. Family. I still can't get pregnant, the years go by. My husband, meanwhile, is suffering from severe depression and anxiety. He refuses to listen to me and to work with me on self-construction. The situation is getting worse, slowly going downhill.

In between 10 IVFs, 5 miscarriages, twins at 14 weeks, prana keeps me upright. I understand what miscarriage means. The soul comes in a hurry to complete another part of karma. They always choose the strongest body and soul to "borrow" so they can complete theirs here and now. I do not give up and keep building.

At a certain point, we decide to go no further. Stop. The end. And I believe in myself that it is not the end. The marriage is limping, he's in his own world, with his own problems, burdened with himself. We're drifting apart.

I insist, and I don't give in to this burning desire for another sunshine. My son is so lonely. He is 7 years old. He is alone. I don't accept that.

BOOM! Regular check-up at the gynecologist: PREGNANT. I had no idea about this, but I've done 150 pregnancy tests in my life. He threw me out of the chair and told me to come back in 1 month, and that nothing was certain. I am 40 years old.

My second son is born. I am happy, my dilemmas disappear. My first born has a brother! Wow! The excitement quickly fades as my husband doesn't come to himself. Panic attacks, depression. He's estranged, more so every day.

We have no relationship. None. Cold and no communication. Torment. He's gone all day, commuting 100km one way to work, me alone with 2 kids and 25 employees. I'm scolded, he says it's none of his business because I chose it. Right.

A moment and...and...I call him...bring the test when you get home. "What test", he says. "Pregnancy test"...BOOM! In shock, he doesn't speak to me for 14 days! The gynecologist thinks it's a mistake. He throws down the handset. But no, a miracle has happened. How is this possible when at the age of 40, Dr. All Knowing told me that I have menopause because he measured the value of my ovaries? Hm...really? No one will tell me that. I'm going to have a baby, period! Well, not one.

God gave me two. The last one by the greatest miracle possible. Pure manifestation. Well, yes... for many around me, a mere coincidence. What do you think?

Break Down

I work at home, I have 2 companies, 30 employees, 3 kids, and my husband’s losing more and more. HE'S GONE. The situation is getting worse. He's going to a psychiatric hospital. He doesn't listen to me, I tell him not to go. I tell him, you're not coming back...

He comes back, 8 months later. Unrecognizable. He takes 9 pills a day. He's shaking. The kids can't watch.

Shock, disaster, the end. He's gone. He couldn't stand himself. He hasn't found a way. The end of the story.

I'm left alone.

Condemnations from all sides, you're guilty! I'm seemingly successful in business, I'm getting ahead. I'm sucking it up, to the end. I am alone.

Debt and coronavirus ruined my business. I invested all the money I had. I'm left with nothing. I'm on my own. People around me fall away...I'm rejected by family, by convictions. I lost my nephew. 10 years old. A catastrophe. The breakdown of the system is complete.

I work from morning till night with 3 children. I can't take it anymore. I am afraid that they will be left alone. I have to do something.

I find a therapist, my future mentor. I am looking for solutions for my children in the future. There will be consequences from what has happened. I have to take action. First save myself so I can save them.

The accusations from the extended family are unbelievable. I am to blame for the disaster. I am accused of witchcraft and reported to social services for not being normal because I am involved in spirituality.

The indescribable pain and the immense fear of losing my children. Panic attacks. I shake every day. I hate the postman because I am afraid of the post. Who and what will he want from me? I am alone. Alone in the whole world. Without protection.

I start working on myself. Again. Therapies help. NLP and coaching.

A flash: the therapist recognises the immense strength and will in me and says: your experience is your guide in life. You have to help people. You will be able to do it. I enroll to study NLP and Hypnotherapy.

A new world for me. I understand how we work. I understand why we work the way we do. I understand more than I did before. Knowledge of spirituality and neuropsychology, metaphysics. I am not stopping. Knowledge, knowledge, knowledge. I am learning every day, every spare second, as I tidy, clean, absorb these thoughts and words. I love it and I can't wait for the lectures.

The Light at the End of the Tunnel

Somehow I feel that I can no longer be in this working environment, even though I created this company. I can't stand this environment any more, it's suffocating me, it's suffocating me immensely. What am I supposed to do? The business partner will be left alone. I have to go away, somewhere else. I must. I don't understand why, much less how. I've put everything I have into it. I don't care.

I shave my head. I'm not going to dye my hair anymore. I have gray hair. I shave it, almost to zero. The shock of the surroundings. Why? I don't know.

I say goodbye. I want to be alone, study, and take care of the children. I'll take care of them. I know I will. I'm homesick. I'm getting out of here. I'm going to the Islands. I'm going home. The visions in my visualizations are there. Somewhere, far away, on an island. There, far away.

I meditate every day. I manifest and believe that if I have succeeded once, I will succeed now. I learn, I meditate, I meditate, I meditate.

Mantra. I start listening and BAM!

The end of everything. Good morning Larin. Good morning world.

Magnetic, electrical pulses every second from feet to head. What the hell is that? I close myself in the room and let myself go. It's impossible. It’s not earthly. I was very sensitive to energies before and I could communicate with them, but this! This is too much.

Second day...even more intense, crazy adventures. I'm going exploring, of course. Kundalini. I'm reading, slowly beginning to understand. I bravely persevere, the world opens up to me...each day we rise higher, one chakra each day...then the world stops. I don't feel well, a kind of depression and inner sadness. I am thinking. I know I am in a dark night of the soul. But how is this possible? People wait a long long time for such a shift. Even this phase can take an immeasurably long time. For me, it is dragging on for one week. And the end. Let's move on. I meditate regularly twice a day. I try to communicate. I say to her: “My Goddess, please be gentle with me, because I am alone and I have to take care of the children". Let's do it as quickly as possible.

And it's true. We are progressing higher every day and soon…

A breakthrough.

I enjoy her company, I adore her, we have communication and she answers my questions. She knows where we are going. To the island. She will help me! Now I have a MOM. My mother of God, she supports me, she guides me, she teaches me. She has consecrated an amitra for me. She guided me on how and when I should do it. I just surrendered myself as an innocent girl surrenders herself to an experienced lover.

Every day is a new discovery and I trust her completely. She respects my wishes. I tell her that my shoulders ache, from my calcinations, and she immediately goes there to be treated. She not only heals my heartaches and memories, she heals my physical body. I love her. I love God. I am no longer alone.

Here we come, Island. I'm coming home. At last. With a mission. I come with a mission to help. I have the knowledge and experience of my life to share to bring as many people as possible to the inner power of self-discovery and connection with this being of eternity. I must. Now I know why, what, and who.

And I also know why everything happened so quickly. Because ten years ago I was clearing karma. That was also the first time I felt what Shaktipat from Grace meant. For the first time then. I was told that the karma had been corrected. So My Goddess had a little work to do and everything went smoothly and quickly.

Now. The cleansing in the last ten years, however, has been total!

I think she is grateful to me as I am grateful to her. That we did everything according to HIS plan. That it was God's plan that led me here. It was painful, I was purging everything for everyone and from everyone.

I now know why I am an "alien". Yes, I am a starseed, from always, I am not from here. But I have work, lots of work.

And, I go on, we go on, every day, together. Together forever and ever with HIM.